Running off at the mouth

Believe it or not, I'm pretty quiet at social gatherings. I have a good reason to be; I have diarrhea of the mouth. Like many of my afflictions, it started in high school.

My freshman year, I was in the pep squad. I had loads of school spirit, and school games were the one place I could scream my head off and not get in trouble, with the exception of a home basketball game played before Thanksgiving break. Wouldn't you know, that on this particular night, my dad took me to the game and insisted on staying to watch the game.

It was a miserable game; the opposing team worked together like a well-oiled machine, making our players look like "donkey basketball" participants. Frustration running high, we began a cheer:

Stawberry shortcake, banana split

We think your team smells like shift

to the left, shift to the right. Stand

up, sit down. Fight, fight, fight!

Notice the word was supposed to be shift. You guessed it. . .me, in all the excitement yelled out sh*t. It was horrible, our team called a timeout just as I yelled out. As if it had wings and a mind of its own, the horrid word reached the ears of the referee and my dad. The ref, thinking it was intentional almost penalized our team. Not only was I bawled out by the squad leader, I got an earful from Daddy all the way home.

I still don't know when to keep my mouth shut; irritate me enough, and I'm a little smart mouth. Several months ago, I was at a swanky political dinner with John. A well-dressed woman, who looked like she needed a laxative in the worst way, looked me up and down, then asked,"Tell me, what do YOU do for a living?"

I smiled politely and replied, "I'm a writer."

"Oh," she sneered. "I classify writers and actors in the same catagory, as bums. Tell me dear, are you going to be a bum all your life?"

I counted to ten, and plastering a smile on my face that would make the most hardened criminal cringe, replied, "I might change my profession, you can never yell. But I think you're a witch. Tell me, are you going to be a witch all your life? Judging from your personality, probably so." Yes, it was immature, but it made me feel good , and the woman left me alone the rest of the night. Sometimes being mouthy comes in handy.